The boy was supposed to buy a marker from the school's bookshop as all the markers in our house had dried up. Gave him an extra $2 to get it. He did buy the pen during recess and was given a change of 25 cents. Placed both the marker and change in his shirt pocket. But somehow, he managed to lose both the pen and money by the time he got home from school. Nenita dutily informed me me about what had happened when I got back from work. I had no choice but to reprimand him..reminding him that he shouldn't be so careless with money and that he needs to learn to be responsible. As punishment, I told him that I would be deducting the cost of the marker from his piggy bank (he has been diligently saving his change from his pocket money everyday) and also his next day's pocket money would also come from his bank. Told him that I'll buy the markers myself.

Yesterday,the boy actually used his pocket money of $2 to buy the marker.And with the change of 25 cents, he went to the store that sold french fries, told them that he had only that much money for makan (a packet of fries was $1). The store owner then gave him only 5 sticks of fries (aiyoh so sad) and the poor boy had that for his meal. Most of u should know what a big appetite he has and that it was really a big sacrifice to be doing something like that..and I was touched by his actions because he'd shown that he was contrite and was trying his best to make up for his booboo..

He's really such a sweet boy and can be really sensitive too..Unfortunately, I have to be the stern parent most of the time and I do fear that he may grow up hating me as a result. I can remember all those anger I'd felt whenever I kena big time from my parents..not understanding then at all that they had meant well. I fear too about the future..whether I'll be able to inculcate the right values in him especially when I'm not a good example myself. I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family and there were times when I'd felt that I wasn't loved or that my parents weren't able to offer any emotional support system. I really don't want him to grow up feeling the same way too. And things are so different given the circumstances now...

Everyone thinks I'm strong and capable..and I'm truly not. There are times when I feel like such a failure and I can't help but wonder why life has to turn out like that for me. It was difficult initially dealing with the trauma of a failed marriage..I felt rejected and was so angry and was filled with an overwhelming sense of grief. Was an emotional wreck for a while. But through those past difficult months, I was touched by the show of love, friendship and support from both family and friends. It helped me to move on..

Though we're no longer together, I never did regret those years that was invested in the marriage. No..I'm not still stuck in the past hoping for any kind of reconciliation. I know that it would not happen and have moved on already. I'm glad that he's still very much an integral part of Aidan's life. He's always been a good dad to Aidan and we both want the boy to grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted.

I guess this is a somewhat strange entry to write on the day I turn 40. But it is only natural to start reflecting on your life especially when it's a milestone.To be honest, I kinda dread it because it does feel OLD!! And I still haven't got my life figured out. But I guess I just have to embrace the fact and just look forward to what lies ahead :) And I am blessed and thankful to have Aidan and he really means the world to me. Thanks all for the birthday greetings via the phone, facebook, sms & twitter!

Well, a few of you know already..and some of you may have guessed it. I'm currently separated from my used-to-be other half. Yes the bleak state of my marriage does saddens me. I was a wreak for a while but life has to go on .. I'm pretty much okay now. And no point asking whose fault it was cos if we continue to play the blame game, I will be forever stuck in bitterness.

I know some people likes to read my blog because it portrayed a 'happy family' image. Heck, many on facebook voted me as the one who is most likely to "live happily ever after". Hiaks. It doesn't help that I used to post many pics of us during the happier times so we are kinda recognisable. So when strangers started leaving 'warning' messages on my blog and emailing me querying about the state of my marriage (!?!), I wasn't really that taken aback.

Oh well, my life ain't exactly over and I have a least a couple more decades to live. Yeah, sure my self confidence and esteem have been knocked down many notches. But I do have to be thankful that compared to many other women who are in the same situation, I'm actually quite fortunate in many ways. And I have a lovely boy who is my no.1 priority now. The boy has gradually grown to accept the current arrangement and he's happy that he still gets to see his daddy often.

I just gotta get used to being 'single' again. Technically, I'm still married but by the way things are going, the status will most likely change in 3 years time. Some friends have even encouraged me to go for a wild holiday and get myself laid. I know they mean well but it does take time for me to get used to being on my own. Fri nite was interesting. Went out for drinks and ended up (in the words of Tricia) being a samaritan by helping a young bloke (it was his 26th birthday) who had to get a stranger to kiss him in order to avoid drinking copious amt of alcohol. Well, I think he kinda did me a favour 'coz he's the first guy I'd ever kissed that's not my husband since like 12 years ago.It was somewhat liberating albeit it being extremely awkward for me, even though the kiss hardly lasted 3 seconds. I was probably the oldest woman the poor guy had ever kissed (apart from his mother :P). And no, I'm not about to start kissing strangers in every pub I go to in the future. Heh, i actually told Tricia et al not to blog abt it but I'm writing about it all here.

I should learn to relax more and take it easy. Believe it or not, I'm just not a pubbing animal even though I may look like one. My main vice is the fags and probably mahjong (although I've not had the chance to play that for a long time *sob*) so chabors (u know who you are!), let's have a game soon. I don't drink much mainly because I turn lobster red with just a few sips of liquor. Hate that because my super sensitive skin gets splotchy red and I look ghastly and people always think I'm drunk.

Heh, maybe I'll go get that damn nosejob that I've alway said I wanted! Had gone thru 39 years with a pug nose and I would love to see how I look like with a nice sharp profile :P Gah! I'm gonna be 40 soon and I'm not exactly a spring chicken. Well at least my boobs won't sag since they aren't big enough to. I should be doing something to improve my poor dehydrated, pock-marked complexion (my pics are photoshopped!) and I guess my smoking ain't helping it much (yes, yes Pei Fen, I know I should quit).

Life is definitely too short for regrets... wish me well okay :)