July 23rd, 2009



The boy was supposed to buy a marker from the school's bookshop as all the markers in our house had dried up. Gave him an extra $2 to get it. He did buy the pen during recess and was given a change of 25 cents. Placed both the marker and change in his shirt pocket. But somehow, he managed to lose both the pen and money by the time he got home from school. Nenita dutily informed me me about what had happened when I got back from work. I had no choice but to reprimand him..reminding him that he shouldn't be so careless with money and that he needs to learn to be responsible. As punishment, I told him that I would be deducting the cost of the marker from his piggy bank (he has been diligently saving his change from his pocket money everyday) and also his next day's pocket money would also come from his bank. Told him that I'll buy the markers myself.

Yesterday,the boy actually used his pocket money of $2 to buy the marker.And with the change of 25 cents, he went to the store that sold french fries, told them that he had only that much money for makan (a packet of fries was $1). The store owner then gave him only 5 sticks of fries (aiyoh so sad) and the poor boy had that for his meal. Most of u should know what a big appetite he has and that it was really a big sacrifice to be doing something like that..and I was touched by his actions because he'd shown that he was contrite and was trying his best to make up for his booboo..

He's really such a sweet boy and can be really sensitive too..Unfortunately, I have to be the stern parent most of the time and I do fear that he may grow up hating me as a result. I can remember all those anger I'd felt whenever I kena big time from my parents..not understanding then at all that they had meant well. I fear too about the future..whether I'll be able to inculcate the right values in him especially when I'm not a good example myself. I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family and there were times when I'd felt that I wasn't loved or that my parents weren't able to offer any emotional support system. I really don't want him to grow up feeling the same way too. And things are so different given the circumstances now...

Everyone thinks I'm strong and capable..and I'm truly not. There are times when I feel like such a failure and I can't help but wonder why life has to turn out like that for me. It was difficult initially dealing with the trauma of a failed marriage..I felt rejected and was so angry and was filled with an overwhelming sense of grief. Was an emotional wreck for a while. But through those past difficult months, I was touched by the show of love, friendship and support from both family and friends. It helped me to move on..

Though we're no longer together, I never did regret those years that was invested in the marriage. No..I'm not still stuck in the past hoping for any kind of reconciliation. I know that it would not happen and have moved on already. I'm glad that he's still very much an integral part of Aidan's life. He's always been a good dad to Aidan and we both want the boy to grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted.

I guess this is a somewhat strange entry to write on the day I turn 40. But it is only natural to start reflecting on your life especially when it's a milestone.To be honest, I kinda dread it because it does feel OLD!! And I still haven't got my life figured out. But I guess I just have to embrace the fact and just look forward to what lies ahead :) And I am blessed and thankful to have Aidan and he really means the world to me. Thanks all for the birthday greetings via the phone, facebook, sms & twitter!