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inane thoughts..

Heh..as usual, I'm procrastinating.. Yeah, I should be heading for the airport in about 3 hours time and I'm still not finished packing yet *arghh*! I think I'll probably start panicking at about 5pm :P..

Well, will be gone for a week! Looking forward to Goldcoast and I'll definitely be taking loads of pics..In the meantime, here's several pics of the li' monkey...

act cute face :P

Future stockbroker in action...:)

Out of the 8 women in the Straits Times 50 Singaporeans to Watch List, 2 were from my secondary school. One of them is the same age as me and the other, 2 years younger. The former's a doctor and the latter, an economist. Both were outstanding students...not only in their studies but in their ECAs too. They excelled in netball, track & field and was also in the school military band. Come to think of it, I was also in school team for netball + track & field and in the school millitary band as well but academically wise *cough*

I've always admired capable & intelligent women.. especially those who are well-rounded, sociable and smart and didn't really need to study much but still achieved fantastic grades. I've always wondered what it's like to be able to excel in everything. I hated to study..I only enjoyed subjects like English and Literature where I didn't need to put in any work and still did well but when it comes to sub,jects that require memory work and application like Science & Maths, I was a dunce.. I enjoyed school only because of the ECAs I was in..I was in netball, track & field, badminton, table tennis and the school band.. It came to the point that in Sec 3, my mom went to school and instructed the principal to restrict me to just one sport..and I threw a mega tantrum so that she'll still allow me to be in the school band. Couldn't blame mom though..I wasn't exactly at the bottom of the class but I probably would have come close if I'd continued my ways [I think I was always ranked between 18-20++ out of 30+ students] and for a while, I'd also been forging my parents signatures on my test papers till they found out :P I was the sort of student who had to resort to cheating during 'ting xies' and I could remember the countless visits to the principal's office and my poor sister (she was unfortunate enough to be in the same school as I) had to bail me out many times. My form teachers never failed to lament that I was so different from my sister (evonnetay who was much more studious and well-behaved and that I should try to be like her instead. I think I rebelled even more then. Surprisingly, I still managed to scrape tru my Os and entered JC..It was a fluke I believe..

I can still remember that we had an inter-class debate in Sec 3 and we were against the Science Class which of coz had all the smart students. One of the 2 ladies I mentioned above were in the other team... I was one of the 4 speakers to represent my class (Arts). The topic interestingly was something about women's place in the society and home. We were on the opposing side - in that we were arguing that women were better off staying home as mothers and carers for their children and being good wives to their husbands Not surprisingly, we lost the debate..But honestly, even at that time, I didn't believe in what I was arguing for. I felt strongly then already that a woman's place shouldn't be at home and that the glass ceiling would be shattered with women finding equal opportunities in the working and political arena..

So here I am, in my mid 30s..neither here nor there. I can't say that I'm a successful working woman..especially since I could be jobless soon. Most of my peers are probably more highly paid and have moved up the ladder faster.. And those who've decided to be a full-time mothers have decided to dedicate themselves to their kids and families..I can't see myself doing the latter especially having been a SAHM for abt 1 1/2 years. I think if I do become a full-time housewife, I'll probably go crazy..What do I really want? I don't know really. I admit at times, I wish that I was more successful in my career..and better off financially.. And loads of times, I always think that if I could turn back time, I probably would have done things differently..

Am I happy now? Yeah i reckon... I consider myself quite blessed to have a loving husband and li' boy who drives me bonkers at times. My relationship with my siblings have improved ever since we have our own families and lives and I know I can already count on them in times of trouble..blood is definitely thicker than water in our case. My parents though divorced are still on good terms and I know I don't see them as much as I should so I should definitely start making a point to be more filial and let them enjoy the company of their grandchild more...And maybe, by next year if everything's fine, we can start thinking of a li' bro or sister for Aidan....:)

Do a 'google' on the name Junior Tay.

That's my brother. He's acknowledged to be the brightest and smartest in our family. Mom used to have such high hopes on him. When given the opportunity to do his undergraduate studies overseas, he turned it down to be with his then- girlfriend/now wife and decided to study to be a teacher instead, to the huge disappointment of my mom. Mom had always lamented that he could have done so much more with his life and would be better off if he'd done so. He's presently teaching at a primary school with his teacher wife and they have a lovable jack russell - Scotty.

But..she's never realises that he is probably very happy with his life right now. Since young, he'd always loved chess and till now, his passion for the game is still strong. He married a lovely lady who also enjoys the game as much as he. She used to be Singapore no.1 top female chess player. They spend many of their free time taking part in competitions and analysing their games. They both love nature and animals and travel quite abit. He also organises chess events for his school, writes and conducts plays and is the author of many chess articles..

I am very proud of him and his achievements. And I hope mom will be too even though he's not gone the route that she'd wanted..

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( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 5th, 2004 11:06 pm (UTC)
Somehow after reading the 50 Singaporeans to watch, i also feel kind of not here nor there...even though i have never tried being a SAHM, staying at home alone with jon for one month during my confinement make me sure i can't make a good SAHM. i am sure i am not a very successful working woman, friends who know me for very long have heard me talked about quitting for the past 8 years...ha! yes! and after 8 years i m still at the same job...so i am not the kind who yearn to climb the corporate ladder...

i am not sure if any of them are from my secondary school or from my jc, reading their acheivements and superscale grade plus their age kind of make me feel small...

i also don't know what i really want for life...if i could turn back time, i am also not sure what i would have done differently, perhaps i would have read a different course in U, but...*sigh*
Nov. 5th, 2004 11:40 pm (UTC)
i am not sure if any of them are from my secondary school or from my jc, reading their acheivements and superscale grade plus their age kind of make me feel small...

I don't exactly feel small but I do feel a tinge of envy..I dunno whether it's normal to feel this way. My sis asked me..what am i craving for? To be as successful as them? To climb up the corporate ladder and earn tons of money. Heh..i will be honest and say yes and at the same time, to still have the family life i presently have..Kinda greedy eh :P

Maybe, like u..i still dunno what i truly want in life. I think the grass is always greener on the other side..Well, don't feel miserable, we are successful in our own ways too i guess :)
Nov. 5th, 2004 11:53 pm (UTC)
i do feel envy of them, but when you compare with others, there are alway other people who fare better than you, but there are also others who fare worse than you...

actually i am not very upset by that article, but when i read your entry, i kind of strike me...

i have always been comtemplating if i should quit my current job and take a less demanding job and be more "bo chap" so i can reach home earlier to be with jon and spend more time with him...but whenever i face the decision to take a pay-cut, i back off...so like you, i want money and family....every other thing else if possible...ha! greedy is the word!

anyway, have an enjoyable trip and feed us with more Aidan photos to ogle at! :)
Nov. 6th, 2004 01:57 am (UTC)
I know how u feel definitely.. It's not easy to give up that financial comfort that we've grown so used to. On one hand, you want to give the best to ur child meaning to spend more time with him yet you try to argue that by giving up an extra income, u end up depriving him of stuff that is possible with it..it's probably just an excuse but heh..

Should be leaving for the airport soon..yeah..definitely will overload with the pics taking!
Nov. 5th, 2004 11:45 pm (UTC)
I'm sure you've heard it all before: it's not what you have (as compared to what everyone else has), but what you make of it...so true. and i think being a mother, in its own, is really a league up there for everyone to respect...
I interact with a lot of people that are admirable in the same way as you and everyone else would measure brilliant and sucessful, everyday i wonder the same thing - how do they do all this, think all that, and go home to their families? Like, hey i wanna be like that too someday! But i'm struggling so much as it is..

Then i realized everything has to have a compromise, as a very wise person ( triciaseow) once shared with me, it's not about doing everything as perfect as you would like to, but actually getting things done. And that there's a role and expectations for everyone, and we can keep killing ourselves, trying to live up to the standards of expectations, or we can try and do the best we can in our own roles...

That's awesome your brother's chosen his passion - more admirable than someone being forced into something he/she doesn't like.. i guess i'm at that stage where i can appreciate it. I was the Arts kid too, i was the one who actually failed GP, didn't want to retake the whole damn A levels, had no choice but to go overseas to get my degree, but hey, i think i'm doing pretty ok, i'm glad i didn't make it to nus, and if i do eventually make the decision to return back to sg for good, and be a SAHM, i know i'll be able to do it cos look what good it did you :)
Nov. 6th, 2004 01:40 am (UTC)
you are definitely doing more than okay..its obvious u love what u do/study and you'll do well in ur chosen path.. I've always thought of u as someone smart and goodlooking to boot..(+ u have a loving family (heh especially ur old bean)..

Yeah..i know it's what u make out of life that's more important than say material gains and power..but it's always easier to dish out words like this than actually believing it..or living it. Well, i'm not exactly this green eyed monster envying the lives of the others..I think it's only human nature to do so..And i acknowledge that those pple probably have their own sets of problems too..
Nov. 5th, 2004 11:48 pm (UTC)
In my current job now I also deal with a lot of success stories (you should know hor), all the big entrepreneurs in Singapore, al the rags to riches stories... And sometimes it makes me feel very small too... Like - people were earning 80K when they were 24, and what am I still earning and doing at 26? But I also know I don't really have the entrepreneurial spirit to excel in business like they can... Although I also think I haven't truly found my calling in life yet (writing? events?)...

But I think being happy is important, maybe more than monetary success sometimes. I mean, if everyone could reach the level of all these successful businessmen and women then they won't be called special already. But not everyone has got a fulfilling life, loving partner, family unit etc etc... Which I think you have... So we are all little successes in our own right, just that nobody would write about us in the papers :)
Nov. 6th, 2004 01:43 am (UTC)
heh same same..People my age are earning like 200k and i'm like .... but again, i know, we shouldn't measure everything based on what they earn but...aiyoh..can't help envying..or comparing..

I agree..monetary success doesnt equate to true happiness but it does make u 'more happy' i think *grin*..aiyah, i gotta be honest..it's always good to have more money though yeah..money is the root of all evils right :P
Nov. 5th, 2004 11:48 pm (UTC)
I haven't seen the list of 50, but I'm pretty sure they have their own struggles and hang ups too. It's part of being human. No one, absolutely no one, is perfect. So there's no reason to compare or feel "neither here nor there".

Just my opinion, but I think that achievements, power, position, wealth etc mean less than making a difference in the lives of ppl U care about.
Nov. 6th, 2004 01:51 am (UTC)
i dunno..i guess it's only human to measure yourself against others esp ur peers. I think it takes a very confident person to not do so..:)
Nov. 6th, 2004 12:23 am (UTC)
*pat pat* Hey babe, I think you've led a pretty full life. Lots to be thankful about and admired for ... yeah, especially a loving family, hubby, and a darn cute kid! :) Being successful is no measure of being happy or contented with life methinks. One doesn't guarantee the other, and the saying "It gets lonely at the top" has some truth in it. Besides, for every mountain, there's one taller ... so when does one stop looking skywards? There are often many sacrifices to be made on the journey to become successful career-wise ... and whether the means justifies the ends really depends on what motivates a person in life, what makes him/her tick.

Heheh, I was rascal in school too ... but hey, it's a character-building experience methinks. Hahaha! It allowed me to question authority, to ask "why?" without blindly accepting things on blind faith. Um, I think that probing spirit has helped me in my later life, especially in pushing the envelope at work in order to come out with new and creative ways of driving business. Heh, so I can't complain lah ... although my poor pri/sec teachers will probably beg to differ. LOL!
Nov. 6th, 2004 01:53 am (UTC)
heh why aint i surprised that u were a rascal in school too..Actually, I'm quite glad i wasnt a good-two shoes then too or i won't have enjoyed my schooling days so much not that i was 'schooled' much :P I think I came out more street-wise than letterwise strangely :)
Nov. 6th, 2004 02:06 am (UTC)
Exactly! And I know what you mean about the street-wise part. There's definitely a silver lining to those rascally days lah, for both you and me. But heng ah, we put those "naughty" traits to good use. Could've easily gone the other way hor ... for me at least. Maybe in a parallel universe somewhere, there's a pai gia, gangster buzz and havoc angelia lurking around. LOL!
Nov. 6th, 2004 02:58 am (UTC)
whoa! u're heading to goldcoast?! that's so cool. too bad it's my exams week, if not i could always drive up to GC for some suntanning and i could see you and aidan there. anyway, enjoy yourself!
Nov. 13th, 2004 09:09 pm (UTC)
heh too late. Anyway, wouldnt have been a good idea coz of the bad weather too eh:)
Nov. 6th, 2004 04:49 am (UTC)
I think it's human nature to never be completely satisfied with our lot in life. It keeps us striving for more and that's not necessarily a bad thing. We can't have everything, though, and will only go insane if we try!

Hope you have a wonderful vacation!

Nov. 13th, 2004 09:11 pm (UTC)
i totally agree..we can never be satisfied with our lives..no matter what. You're someone i know who chooses to give up her brilliant career for her family..i'm not sure whether i'll be able to do the same. Honestly, i would think to myself..what a waste of talent but then again, if u havent done so, Stephen would have the opportunity of having u being such a big part of his life now..
Nov. 14th, 2004 01:59 am (UTC)
I didn't really give up a career as much as the potential to have an high flying career. I stopped out of science with only a year of postdoc and never had a "real job."

I've had a lot of people tell me my entire education was a waste. And, they're right; it was a waste in terms of doing what I was trained to do. But it wasn't a waste when it comes to doing right by my son. The training I had makes me the mother I am.

Anyhow, life's not over yet! ;)
Nov. 6th, 2004 07:35 am (UTC)
Aidan is always such a cute little guy!! hehe...i too did something to 'cheat' my parents about my secondary school test results when i was still in malaysia...my malay was so bad i had a hard time with every subjects except for english in secondary school...i did not forge their signature...but i changed the score on the test papers for them to sign...and then changed back before having to hand back the papers to school....if my sister did not 'accidentally' leaked out about my real results...they would never have found out...haha :D

have a good break and holiday!! *hugz* :)
Nov. 13th, 2004 09:13 pm (UTC)
heh..i did the changing score trick before too. I think i tried every trick in the book then. Sis was always amazed at how creative i could be :P..man, i was bad.

I hope Aidan doesnt become like me or i'll have even more white hair....
Nov. 6th, 2004 11:24 am (UTC)
hey, I want to read that article... but stupid ST can't seem to let me find it.... argh, do you know where it is?

btw, how did your brother come to be named Junior? esp since your name is Angelia... it doesn't seem like the parents who picked one would also have picked the other... ;-) y'know?
Nov. 13th, 2004 09:09 pm (UTC)
Junior was a nickname given by the pple at his chess club when he was very young. He was one of the youngest member then and the name stucked..:) He prefers to go by that name fron then on..
Nov. 7th, 2004 12:57 pm (UTC)
ehh..you have hubby+kid=happy family,
plus, hopefully the economy's picking up, but seriously, isn't it much better to have a happy family in your mid 30s?

thing is that, the way your parents want you to live your life, isn't always the way you want to live it. about the only good thing about being overseas is, out of sight, out of mind.
Nov. 13th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC)
i guess people are never truly satisfied..it's true i do have a happy family now but i always wonder whether i could have more/achieved better..

i agree eventually, it's up to u as to how u should live ur life but things doesnt always pan out the way u want it to be..
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )