Angelia (angeliatay) wrote,

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not meant to be..

How very softly
You tiptoed into my world
Almost silently
Only a moment you stayed
But what an imprint your footsteps
Have left upon my heart..

I had a miscarriage. Didn't really know I was pregnant although I did have a tiny suspicion. The baby was 'made' in Japan. Story is..hubby has been trying to persuade me to have another baby. I wasn't really that keen to be honest. So I told him when we left for Japan...we'll throw caution to the wind there and if we are successful, then it is meant to be. Well, we weren't exactly going at each other like rabbits in was only that one time - our first night in Japan. For the rest of the trip, we were too freaking shagged out to make out. So I didn't harbor any expectations.

Came back from sick for a while...and not long after that, I had my menses (or so I thought then). It was quite unusual then already coz my menses cycle is really irregular but yet it is regular in a way that it always comes every 3 months. But I just had it in early Sept so it was sorta early for it to be in Oct. The bleeding stopped after 3 days but then, on the 5th day, it continued again..When I was still bleeding yesterday (abt the 8th day already), I was thinking that something must be wrong. Also, I've been feeling so lethargic and tired lately. There were also other symptoms like breast tenderness too..So I went to the company doctor yesterday morning and told her about my problem. Did a pregnancy test which turned out positive. She asked me to quickly call my gynae to arrange for an appointment.

My gynae did another pregnancy test which resulted in another positive results. He did a scan but couldn't detect anything in my womb. Checked my cervix and found it slightly dilated which meant that the miscarriage may have occurred already. But he didn't want to rush to any conclusion and had me do a blood test to check my hormones level. Went back to the hospital this morning and got the results of the blood test. No good...low hormones level! So they arranged for me to do the D&C (dilation and curettage) immediately.

I'm back from the hospital already. Still groggy due to the after effects of the anaesthesia. I can't exactly express how I'm feeling now. As I had already suspected the possibility of a miscarriage when I decided to see the doctor yesterday morning, I was all prepared for any negative news.But it was only yesterday afternnon, when I was sitting alone at the hospital waiting for my gynae to see me that I was hit with a sense of despair.. really wanted to cry. Hubby wasn't able to join me at the hospital as he was stuck in some meeting but he promised to be home early. Called Jean and since she was shopping in Orchard, she actually came to the hospital to accompany me. Her company was really a comfort to me. And this morning, as hub was driving me to the hospital, I just couldn't help tearing.

I tell myself that I was fortunate that the miscarriage was spontaneous. It was a sign that it was an unhealthy pregnancy and just not meant to be. I didn't need to undergo the process of discovering I was pregnant and then losing the baby which would have been more traumatising. But I still feel sad. And somewhat guilty. Because I've been the ambivalent and indifferent one on the decision for a no.2. I know YC is quite affected by this loss because he has been longing for a second child. But this incident has made us see the need to take stock, and decide as a couple, once and for all whether we really want a 2nd child. Time is really not on my side. Have to really think carefully....*sigh*
Tags: miscarriage
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